First off, I just want to thank you and acknowledge all the support I got on starting this blog. Originally my reasoning for sharing this blog was for the sole purpose of taking ownership; of starting something and following through. There has been many times in the past that I’ve wanted to start a project but either procrastinated or neglected it because I couldn’t find it in me to do it or to continue on with it.  Therefore, the positive feedback and support has been awesome, but slightly overwhelming.

And if I’m being honest, and completely honest, I almost stopped. I almost decided to procrastinate again because I was afraid, and the age old mantra: “I can’t I can’t I can’t” started to replay in my head. This mantra is quite familiar; I’ve heard it every single time I’ve gone out to do something that I wanted to do, something meaningful, and something intimate and vulnerable.

It took me three days. I spent those three days staring at social media, binge watching YouTube and Netflix, and basically completely avoiding the blog. After those three days  I finally decided to talk about it. I decided to address it with a friend. All it took was two words:

“I’m afraid”

That’s it, two words, and they encompassed everything I was feeling. This friend and the friends I talked to after all reassured me that what they read was fine, that they wanted to read more, and that they were excited about what else I had to say. And I ate it all up, because I needed it. I needed that validation to know that what I was doing was worthwhile.  

And it hit me: THIS was my problem. This constant seeking validation, wondering if what I had to say was good enough, was ENOUGH period. Subconsciously I was questioning whether or not my opinion, my thoughts, held any value. Even though I had started this entire project on the premise of sharing thoughts and ideas, one post in I was already a victim of old and negative thought patterns. I knew there was something deeper that caused me to feel like this.

I thought about it some more and realized, I needed validation in another way; I needed to know that someone else believed that I could do this, that I could have the consistency required to handle the commitment I had taken on. One of the challenges that I’ve faced in the past is consistency. I can’t find it in me to be able to commit to the process of making the idea come to life. I underestimate my abilities and after the initial rush my energy levels go down. I’ve given up so many times before, that now, when I’ve finally gotten the courage to start something and get it on its feet I realize that I’m just afraid of failure and fear that I may disappoint.  

I know this may end up being a lengthy blog post but I feel that for me personally this is something I need to talk about.  

When I first started this blog a week ago I had a completely different mindset. I had so many different blog ideas, and I was planning out weekly blogs with different themes and interests.  They would range between both reflective and soul-searching as well as less personal and more focused on society, literary works, or the world over all. However, like I shared before, the enthusiasm started to wane a little more as a I realized that I would be sharing this with other people, and it wouldn’t be a one time thing. Even though I am a positive person and I have grown over the past year I am still human. Therefore because I am human I can still feel fear, and I can go back into a place that is negative or unproductive.

I also recognize that to give a deeper understanding to you, the reader, on why this may be difficult for me I know I have to provide some context. While I am open to discussion and enjoy discussing ideas I am a very private person. My go to reaction when facing conflict or a differing opinion has changed over the years, but I still keep my thoughts about certain meaningful issues to myself. These issues may be emotionally charged or they may be things that I feel uncomfortable discussing.

While in the past I may have gotten into heated arguments and responded in a defensive or confrontational way, my response now has matured. However, I realize that I still do have the tendency to shut down. I thought about this deeply as well and realized that my reaction was always so personal because for a significant portion of my life I didn’t feel like I was heard, and there were many time where I felt my voice or my opinion didn’t hold weight or had value. The anger or aggression related to that may have come out in unhealthy ways, and there were probably times that through my clouded judgement, I, paradoxically, was ignorant in my refusal to really listen to what the other side was trying to say.

I’d like to think I’ve grown from that time, and with honest reflection I think I have improved significantly. However, the remnants from that time still translate into insecurity and self doubt today. The more I feel like my voice is heard the more I gain a strange mixture of confidence and anxiety. I continue to wrestle between the conflicting desires of sharing more and then not wanting to share too much. I realize that even through the time in the past few month I have spent working on my ego, it may still hold some fragility (lol).  

This has all made me want to evaluate my comfort zone.

My identity has flipped upside down for me multiple times. There have been many times that I’ve looked at myself in the mirror both literally and mentally, and could not put the two people together. I was uncomfortable, and there are times I still am, but that discomfort led me in search of a comfort zone; a safe place. I found it, in different places at different times. Sometimes it was books, other times it was people, sometimes a person, a friend, family etc. Of course chocolate, blankets, a good movie or two, naps, they’re never far behind. My room… my safe little haven (and hell,depending on the mood). Anything and everything that allowed me to rest easy, shut my eyes, and know that is all good in my little world.

Comfortable.

But there’s a flip side, what if comfortable is not positive? What if you’re comfortable shutting yourself down, brooding in negative thoughts, and convincing yourself that you’re not worthy or capable of trying or achieving certain things?

Because there was a time when that was my “comfort zone”.

Was that really comfortable? Does a little bit of discomfort, that will allow you to grow and mature and become a better functioning member of society, wouldn’t that be better? Of course no one wants to be sad, but sometimes, understandably, it just happens…

I had to really ask myself: what is worth it? What makes this worth it? Why shouldn’t I live in my blanket cocoon, or why should I believe that I am capable of so much more? I’m okay here,  why does it matter to anyone else what I do or don’t do, as long as I’m not hurting you? I work my 9-5, I take care of the people who need to be taken care of, I can take care of myself, what’s wrong with that?

The answer: nothing.

There is nothing wrong with doing that. I actually believe that there are times where you live in your comfort zone, for your mental health, if anything else. There are, however, other things to take into consideration, besides your “comfort”.

These are the four things that I focused on:

1. Whether you like it or not, your life is CONSTANTLY changing. Change is the only constant. This isn’t a deep profound observation, it’s just the truth. You’re changing, your body is changing, where you’re going is changing, and everybody else around you is changing. So by token, whether you want things to change or not, they are being changed around you, and you’re going to have to be part of the ride.
2. Your experience on this planet as a human is finite. You’re energy and aspirations are not random, instead they work off your frequencies, on your abilities, and on your relationships. You won’t have “forever” to do things.
3. It is possible to live a meaningless life. Your skills and your abilities help you access and be accessible to certain things, but that doesn’t mean that your “maybe one day” will ever truly come, unless you’re working and in constant pursuit of it. This includes visualizing it on good and bad days.
4. Finally, you exist. You know this because you can see/feel yourself and there is constant interaction, existence and influence on the world around you. That means that you are also a resource; you have skills and abilities that will be used. You cannot escape that you are a part of something larger than you; you are a part of this world. However, if you don’t control how and what you want to do and how you will use what is given to you, that doesn’t mean that you will not be participating. If you won’t do it, control it, someone else will. That could mean you are under or over utilized, but you WILL be utilized; you cannot escape that. Therefore, if you want to have more autonomy on how your life will play out it is better to have some sort of idea of who you are, what you have to offer and take control of that. You are always adding value whether you realize it or not, or whether someone “confirms” it or not. You have to learn to be your own judge.

That last point help me come to terms with my prior need for validation. I had to learn to take control of what I wanted and I had to trust myself and the process. I would have to go back and evaluate what I was doing and whether I was on the right track or not, but ultimately I did have to dig deep, find the positive energy and take the reins on how I wanted to pursue this.

I also realized that through this process so far that there will highs and lows on how you feel and approach the process. However, to be consistent you have to work hard when its going well, so that when you may end up in a funk you do know you have something to go back to; something that you’re responsible for. Consistency requires hard work, drive, dedication and preparation; you are prepared for your rainy days because you put in the work through your sunny ones.  

I  also do believe a healthy, humble and worldly individual understands that their thought process isn’t perfect and that they don’t know everything. However I have also learnt that the problem with constantly questioning everything about yourself and your opinion is that sometimes you become so self-absorbed you forget to see the bigger picture.  

But what is the bigger picture?

The bigger picture is that we’re all imperfect, but there’s always something to learn from each other.  

We are all individuals but we work in a collaborative environment. If we were all perfect we wouldn’t need each other. But we do. We’re all interconnected, and no success is achieved without there being some sort of assistance, some sort knowledge and resources being shared. We work together to ultimately move forward in big ways.

What is perfect?

The universe is perfect. The universe is everything that is and ever will be and we are part of it. We can’t be perfect because we are individual pieces that make up the whole. We are used and recycled and used again. The validation that we seek, that I sought, will not just be found in lone events or decisions but in our journeys as a whole. It will be through our choices and experiences, through what we brought to the table and what we decided to take and what we decided to give back.  

Therefore your ideas and opinions hold value, they are important. Everything that is thought and shared holds value, whether it is positive or negative. There is always an impact, regardless of it being subtle or deep. So be careful on how you focus on yourself and your energy, but don’t be afraid of it. If you find yourself slipping down a slope you didn’t want to go down, you can always find your way back up.

Finally the last little reminder that I want to throw in here is that it’s important to take care of yourself and your mental health not just for you but for the people who care about you. I know I feel very deeply about the people I care about and it affects me deeply when I see them put themselves down, are destructive or in pain. Therefore, why wouldn’t it be the same the other way around? I know on the days when I can’t find it in me to do it for myself I do it for the people I know I’ll hurt if I don’t try to change and make things better. This isn’t always in your control, but you can start by sharing. Once it’s out there, you can, even if its slow, begin to create change. Just have faith.  

I could talk forever about this, but I’m going to start wrapping it up and save some more of my thoughts for a later post. Initially I wanted my second blog post to be something a little bit more removed and less personal, and I know this is a slight reiteration of my first one. I do feel that this is more human take on it though, also a little more grounded. I wanted to write this post as something I could go back to later so that I could derive inspiration and drive again if I ever hit a funk. I also wanted to write this in case someone else was in a tough spot and needed to hear it. I just hope that I was able to communicate my ideas with as much thoroughness and clarity as possible.

Finally, I really hope that I’m constantly provided the opportunity to learn more from you, and this can truly become something more collaborative.

Okay! That’s it!  Again I know this was long, but thank you to all those who made it this far! Again thank you so much for all the feedback and the support, I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me. And of course I welcome more.

Take care, and I hope whoever is reading this, you’re out here trying to live your best life 🙂 

Thanks again,

– Sim